I am not very good at expressing how I feel. To anyone, whether it be a lover, a friend, a family member. It’s hard for me to admit to someone else that I feel lonely, depressed, unhappy, tired, lost, any negative emotion I’m feeling, because I feel as though I must always project this image of being “fine” and like I have everything under control. And it’s not a lack of acknowledging those emotions to myself, because I certainly know when I’m feeling that way, but it’s so difficult for me to admit it to someone else. And it’s not just negative emotions, I can have a hard time admitting strong positive emotions as well, whether it be love or silliness; I constantly feel like I’m reigning myself in.

I was reading my journal today (why, I’m not sure, other than the fact that I was writing in it for the first time in probably at least 6 months) and there was this notable theme over the past few years about me trying to gain more independence, of growing myself, and me pushing people away because I thought that was the solution. And for a long time, I’ve always been that one who held you at an arms-length distance, but who was generally easy going and happy - unless something was really troubling me, then I might let you in on it.

But right now I feel so much love and happiness stemming from all those around me, and I’m finally realising that pushing people away or holding them at an arms-length is not the way. I don’t know why I never realised this before, or what was holding me back, or what was frightening me. I used to be so proud of how autonomous and self-sufficient I could be.

But now I know without a doubt - a key factor to growing as a person is opening yourself up, and opening yourself up to love. And I love each and every one of you.